


Complete

by Tinkara



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Carla is mean, Grisha is kinda good, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager Are Siblings, Mikasa is mean, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Teacher Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Teacher-Student Relationship, Triggers, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-15 09:27:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11228121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinkara/pseuds/Tinkara
Summary: Empty.That's how I've felt all my life. Not sad, not happy. Just...empty.And if only I could figure out what else I needed in my life.But will a new teacher be able to change Eren's look on life and fill that empty void that sits deep in his heart? Well, let's find out shall we? ;)





	1. This is how it begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfinc ever and I'm really scared of posting it. :s Please give me your honest feedback on it and ideas on what I should write next. Idk if this is going to become something I'm going to do regulary but I'll try since I have summer vacation and more time on my hands. Hope you enjoy my first ever fanfic! :D

_Empty._

 

That's how I've felt all my life. Not sad, not happy. Just... _empty_.

 

And if only I could figure out what else I needed in my life. 

I had a roof over my head, friends I loved and who loved me back, food on my plate and a bed to sleep in.

 

My family was another story though.

My mother, Carla was a beautiful woman with long, brown, shiny locks, bags under her eyes that completed her skinny, pale face, a great figure and a bright smile.

Too bad I couldn't say the same thing for her oh-so-great personality.  

She was also a manipulative and scary person when at home. She had a bad temper and her screaming could be heard four blocks away and trust me, there wasn't little of it. She screamed at me for every single little thing I did wrong like breaking a glass, leaving a piece of clothing on the floor, making noise in the kitchen while she was having coffee in the living room, not hanging the clothes the way she did it because the way I did it would't dry them quickly enough. She used to take the money I got from my relatives for my birthday and I just didn't have the guts to take it back or talk back to her. You may mock me because I'm a guy scared of his mother but she raised me that way, saying children should fear their parents. But is that really how it works?

I also had a younger sister. Mikasa Ackerman. She was adopted when she was 10 years old and I was 14 at the time. She was the cutest child I had ever seen with her black hair and dark brown eyes and I protected her every step of the way. 

Until my parents divorced 4 years later.

She gradually became mean to me, she started bullying kids at her school, stealing their lunches, physically attacking her teachers, insulting them and skipping classes. At one point she was almost expelled for too many missed classes but naturally my mother talked to the principal and they only gave her a warning. She was never mean to my mother and neither was my mother mean to her as she was to me. She never did any chores, she could go out whenever she wanted and could stay out how long she wanted. And she was only 15.

 

And then there was my dad.

His name was Grisha and he was a well known doctor. There wasn't a single person who didn't know him. He had brown hair that reached slightly over his shoulder and brown-grey eyes. He was always kind to me and Mikasa but he constantly argued with my mom. Not that he started the fights of course.

Maybe that's why they divorced. He got tired of us and just couldn't stand her screaming and just left. Not that I blame him. 

 And not that I care.

And last but not least, me. There's not much I can tell you about myself really. I'm 22 now and I go to Trost University where I study to be a veterinarian. I live in an old apartment in another city, away from the suffocating house I used to live in, a house I used to call home. I have a cat called Titan which I took with me when I left my mother and Mikasa. She's the only thing I've truly cared about since the divorce. She's gotten me through the toughest of times like my break up wtih my ex-boyfriend Jean. He was a sweetheart when we were dating but after a year he started to insult me on every thing I did wrong, he even hit me a couple of times until I got tired of it and just left. 

Oh, yeah and I'm gay. Have been since I had a huge crush on a guy in high school. At first I didn't think much of it and thought the feeling would just go away but when I started to have sexual thoughts about him, I knew something was off. 

 

 

 

 

As I think back about my life I'm reminded of that same empty feeling as I'm desperatly trying to fall back asleep but my mind just doesn't let me. This happens often and the bags under my eyes are the proof. I don't really care because I'm going to sleep in class anyway but I also wouldn't mind a good night's sleep once in a while. And escpecially since tomrrow, or should I say today, is the first day of my last year in this university. Yeah, I'm graduating this year. 

I look at the time. 3:44. I give up on sleeping and head to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. I sit on the old brown couch, plop my legs on the table, grab the remote and turn the TV on. I change the channel to Fox Life and watch Two And A Half Man, my second favorite comedy right after The Office. Soon after, Titan jumps onto the couch and nestles herself on my lap. I start scratching her head and she immediately starts purring and pushing her head in my hand, signaling she likes it.

After some time, I look at the clock. 6:55. I get up and head back to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. Nothing big since I can't eat big meals in the morning because I get extremely nauseous. After breakfast I brush my teeth, put on blue skinny jeans, a black washed-out T-Shirt and a pair of white Allstars. I check out myself for the last time in the mirror to make sure my hair isn't sticking out anywhere. I fill Titan's bowl with cat food and another one with water. After that I grab my backpack and car keys and head to the car. Once in the car, I start it and drive off to the university. The university is only 10 minutes away so it's a fairly quick ride. I park the car at a nearby parking lot, grab the backpack, hop out, lock it and go in the direction of the university.

And I'm once again reminded of the "condition" I have as my heart is about to burst out of my chest and my clammy hands aren't a big help at unlocking my locker. 

 

_Social anxiety._

 

It's the one thing I dread about my life more than the shitty past I've had to deal with. Everyday is a struggle for me. From asking a classmate if I can borrow their rubber, being asked a question in class by a teacher, asking for help in a store, to keeping my head up instead of looking at the ground all the time as I pass by people. Those little things that seem like nothing to a "normal" person are the moments I struggle most with. I can't do things without having a little heartattack and sweating like a pig. I don't know how I got it but I know I have it. 

As I'm struggling to keep my head up whilst walking to my first class, I notice Armin, my best friend whom I've known since I moved to this town. He doesn't know about my past but he knows about the crippling social anxiety and he doesn't mind. I appreciate him for sticking with a nervous wreck like myself. He's a very smart kid, he's at the top of his class even, if not one of the smartest kids in this school. I'm not as smart as he is but I'm not a total loser. I'm a little above average, I don't have straight A's but I don't have a grade that's smaller than a C. 

"Hey Eren!" Armin shouts with a big grin plastered on his face when he sees me. 

I walk up to him and lightly ruffle his hair.

"Hi Armin. Did you have fun during summer vacation?"

"I did but I really missed you" he says with a slightly sad face.

"I missed you too but you know I've been busy with work." I say with a tired voice.

"Are you okay? You seem tired. Have you been sleeping enough? I know how you tend to overwork yourself with things" he says with a worried look.

"Yeah I'm just not used to waking up early for school. I'm gonna have to get used to it again." I lie. I don't need to worry him with my slight insomnia. 

Suddenly the bell rings as we say goodbye to each other and head to our classes. I instantly duck my head downwords, cursing my social anxiety and not being able to be a normal human being for once. I sit at the back of the classroom like I do every year. I put my backpack on the desk and take out my notebook and a pen and wait for the teacher to come in. In the mean time, I watch other students chatting among each other about where they were, what they did and who they met during summer vacation, how they went to parties and got drunk or high. I don't understand why people even do that. I hate alcohol. Not because It gives you a hangover afterward but because it brings back painful memories of my mother being drunk and hitting me with her weak hands. It was a good thing she was weak because it didn't hurt as much.

 

Not that I care anymore. If life has taught me one thing, it's to not care about anything other than yourself and people you are 100 % sure will never let you down. And since you can't be 100 % sure about anything, I don't care about a lot of people. Except Titan because animals will never betray you. And maybe Armin. But that doesn't mean I'm a complete asshole when it comes to helping others.

 

I'm stirred out of my thoughts when a hand lands on my shoulder shaking me. I look up to the owner of the said hands and my eyes land on a pair of...blue? Maybe grey eyes? I'm not sure but they don't look friendly at all. Quite the opposite actually. I look at him schocked and a little fearful. 

"Oi, brat. Have you been listening to anything I've said?" the man says with fury in his eyes,

When I don't reply, he mutters a 'whatever' and goes to the front of the class. I curse myself for showing emotions, something I don't usually do but damn the man scared me. After a moment, I regain myself but I can see all eyes are on me. I start sweating and try to appear as disinterested as I can. I don't like all of the attention. As a matter a fact, I don't like it a single bit. I feel relieved when the man starts talking and brings the attention to himself.

"I am your new English teacher this year. I expect discpline and complete silence in my classes. You can speak only if you raise your hand. Is that clear?" he asks and looks around the class for confirmation.

"Good. I will write my name on the board and I expect you all to call me by that name and nothing else."

As he writes on the chalkboard, I notice that the man is really short, about 5"2', his hands and fingers pale, his hair is black and has an undercut. He's wearing black skinny jeans and a dark blue shirt that hugs his body nicely and exposes his muscles.

When he writes his name on the board, he turns around and starts looking around the classriom, a bored and disinterested look on his face until his eyes land on me. I roll my eyes and read the name written on the board.

 

_Mr. Levi Ackerman_

 

 

 


	2. A dark secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has a secret only 1 person knows about. And who is the girl Armin's with? Also, blushing Eren :3
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are any language mistakes. English isn't my native language so... >_>

After school I went home, took a long, warm shower, changed my clothes and went to work. I worked at a nearby gas station and this week I had the afternoon shift. There was also a morning shift but because of university I couldn't work then and the night shift which I'd have next week. When I had summer vacation I worked the night shift almost every week because I didn't have school and the pay was bigger.

When I entered the store at the gas station I was greeted with a loud and cheery 'Hello' from my boss Hanji Zoe. If I could describe my boss in one word it would be...different. Not in a bad way of course, she just had a unique personality. I greeted her back and went to the back to change into my work clothes. After putting my things in a locker I went to the counter.

"Oh, Eren, I'm so glad you came, I was soooo bored!" Hanji says as she hugges me tight.

"Well I do work here so I didn't have much choice." I say with a hint of sarcasm.

"Yeah yeah. I'll just change and head out. Have fun smarty pants." she says with a smirk.

After a couple of minutes Hanji leaves but not without a loud 'Bye sweety'. 

The next couple of hours go bye really slowly as few coustomers come to buy snacks or cigarettes or fill their vehicles with gas. After my shift is finally over, Reiner, my co-worker comes and takes over the night shift. I change back into my normal clothes and head home. When I enter I'm greeted with a meow from Titan as she nuzzles her body againt my leg. I pet her and head to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I notice that I've run out of milk and cat food. I contemplate whether I should go to sleep or go to the nearby store. I decide to go to the only store in the Trost area that's open until midnight because I know I won't be able to sleep any time soon. 

As I enter the store I'm greeted with a 'Good evening' from the girl behind the counter. I  greet her back and begin my search for the cat food. I pick it up, put it in a basket and head for the toilet paper. After I pick it up I decide to buy some ice cream. I reach for the chocolate ice cream when I hear a low male voice.

"Good evening Mr. Yeager." I hear as I turn to my left a little surprised. 

"Mr. Ackerman? Funny meeting you here." I say sarcastically with a small smirk as I reach for the ice cream and put it in my basket.

"I'm just as surprised as you are, brat." he says with a little annoyance in his voice.

"Brat? Is that some new nickname you came up for me or do you call every student that?" I say uninterested.

"Shouldn't you be in bed? The cartoons are over already and kindergarten starts early in the morning" That smirk. That goddamn annoying smirk of his. 

If looks could kill, the short man would be deep under the ground already. "I manage just fine with a couple of hours of sleep a night, thank you very much for your concern." I lie through my teeth and hope he doesn't notice. It's killing me that I can't sleep at least 5 hours a night and the nightmares and insomnia aren't a big help at all. When my nightmares don't appear, the insomnia does. Lucky me.

He looks at me with the 'Are you sure about that' face. I ignore him when I go past him to the counter and pay for the things in my hand. When I reach the door I hear him say 'Good night, brat' and keep walking to my apartment without looking back.

 

 

 

 

 

_I'm running._

_Running from something._

_Jean._

_I'm running from Jean._

_Why is he chasing me?  Did I do something wrong again? But I cleaned his apartment squeaky clean. I cooked lunch and dinner. I let him fuck me even if I didn't want him to. Is there something else?_

_He suddenly grabs me from behind and throws me to the ground. His legs find my stomach. Multiple times. 'Whore'. 'Slut'. 'Worthless'. 'Good for nothing piece of shit'. The words that come from his mouth hurt me but I can't do anything about it. I know they're not true but I don't talk back to him. I can't. My lungs won't let me._

_He grabs me by the hair and flips me on my stomach. When did I undress? And when did he?_

_I'm numb to the pain by now. I don't cry. I don't shed a single tear. I don't care anymore._

_'Hey Yaeger!'_

_God what more does he want?_

_'Eren can you hear me?'_

 

 

 

"Eren!"

I'm jerked awake with my head...on a desk? When did I fall asleep? Where am I?

"Are you okay, brat?"

Brat? Where have I heard that before? 

I look up into a pair of blue-grey eyes. Mr. Ackerman? Am I at school? 

"Can you hear me, Eren?"

I finally find my voice and with a shaky voice say "Yes I can hear you. And I'm fine."

"Well you sure as hell don't look fine. You were whimpering and shaking in your sleep." Is that...worry on his face? Yeah right.

"I'm fine, okay?" I say with a clear voice and a little annoyed. I'm not used to people being worried about me. I don't like it if they spend their time and breath on me even if for just a second. I solve my own problems, that's how I've been doing it all my life and I managed just fine. 

"If you say so. Next time I see you sleeping in my class, I'm not going to be as nice as I am right now. Now get the hell out of here, class has already ended."

Yeah, right. If that's being nice, I'm a goddamn angel.

I pack my things and as I'm about to exit the classroom Mr. Ackerman says "You know if you need help you know where to find me. I'm not a complete asshole."

Shocked. That's how I feel at the moment. Absolutely shocked. Is he actually being nice to me? Probably not. It's his job to help students. Right? 

"I've already told you I'm fine and I don't need help." I say annoyed. 

 

Remember when I said Jean hit me and insulted me when we were together?

Well there's more.

He abused me, physically and mentally. Almost everyday.

I was forced to live with him. I wasn't lying when I said I just left one day though. I got tired of everything and just left. Packed my clothes, broke down the door and as quickly as my legs could I ran and ended up at a gas station. The gas station I work at today. Hanji saw that I was in distress and hid me in the back. She gave me her phone, I called the police and they arrested him. He went to trial and the judge was quick to judge that he was quilty because there were other reports about him sexually harassing other men and women. He got sentenced to life. It was one of the best days of my life.

 

After the incident in the class, I walk out of the classroom and into the bathroom. I splash some water on my face and look at myself in the mirror. I have huge bags under my eyes and bloodshot eyes. 'I've looked worse' I say to myself and wipe my face with a paper towel. I head out of the bathroom and back home. Good thing English was the last subject for today and thank God it's Friday today. That means I'm free tomorrow.

 

 

 

After a long day at work I come home and fill Titan's bowl and immediately go to bed after. I don't bother showering because tomorrow is Saturday and I can do it in the morning. I'm really tired and my bones ache from the constant standing behind the counter.

I'm lying on my bed when a thought comes to my mind. What colour are Mr. Ackerman's eyes? Are they blue or are they grey? And why is he so keen on helping me? And why do I even care about him or his eyes? 

As I think about these things I slowly start to feel myself drifting away into a deep slumber and I let the unfamiliar feeling take me over.

 

 

 

The next day I wake up at 1 p.m. Damn, sleep deprivation really did a number on me.

After 14 hours of sleep I feel in a very good mood. I haven't slept this good in a long time. I'm hungry so I make myself lunch. I go with spaghetti Carbonara. I'm a very good cook if I may say so. I've had to cook for myself since moving here and I've gotten pretty good at it. While I wait for the water to boil, I change Titan's litter box. 

After my stomach is full I decide to do some grocery shopping. I haven't had the time to go grocery shooping this week because I was at work but since I have nothing to do today, why not do just that. I grab my wallet, put my shoes on and drive to the supermarket. 

I see Armin at the bread aisle...with a girl? She has blonde hair and blue eyes just like Armin but her face is nothing close to happy. 

"Hi Armin!" I greet him cheerily. 

"Oh, hey Eren..." Is Armin nervous? 

"And who is this?" I say amused and look at the girl.

Before she can answer Armin nervously replies "Err, she-she's my...girlfriend."

My mouth drops to the floor. Girlfriend? Since when?

"Oh. How long have you two been dating?" 

"A little over two months." he says trying to look everywhere else but me.

Oh, so they started dating around the start of summer vacation. 

I want to ask him why he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend but she she interrupts our conversation, her face still not showing any emotion "Annie. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too." I say with a little smile.

"Well we have to go. It was nice seeing you Eren!" Armin says a little too quickly, grabs the girl by her hand and almost drags her away. 

I try not to let the fact that my best friend didn't tell me he had a girlfriend get to me and continue shopping. 

 

When I come home I put the food in the cabinets and go on my computer. I check my Facebook, Instagram, the news and the weather. After that I finish some assignements I haven't finished.

After I finish them I go out for a run. I'm not sure why but running always relaxes me. It's like all of the pent up energy is released after a run. I'm immediately hit with a cold breeze. It's surprisingly chilly considering it's the middle of September. As I'm running through Rose park I notice some kids playing on the playground. I remember when me, Mikasa and my dad would go to the park and play on the playground while my mother watched us. It was one of the few places they didn't actually argue. I ignore the ache in my heart and keep running to a fountain in the middle of the park. I put some water on my face and wipe it away with my sweatshirt. I strech my arms and legs and start running again.

I look down at my watch and suddenly hit something. Someone. I curse the pain I'm met with when I hit my head. I slowly pick myself up and try to balance myself.

"Fucking dammit. Watch it kid!" the person says standing up from the ground.

"Mr. Ackerman? I'm really really sorry. Are you okay?" I say in a rushed and paniced voice. 

"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Are you?" he says with a groan. 

"I'm fine." I say with a smile, relieved I didn't just hospitalize my English teacher. "What are you doing here, sir?" I try and ask as politely as I can. I don't particularly like the guy, neither do I dislike him but I did just knock him to the ground so the least I can do is be nice to him.

He looks at me a little too long before saying "Well I was walking my dog until you ran into me. And drop the sir, I'm not that old. Just Levi is fine."

"O-okay." I'm not sure why but I feel happy that I can call him by his name and not 'sir' or 'Mr. Ackerman'.

Out of nowhere Levi whistles and shouts 'Zoe'. Not long after, a golden retriever comes running our direction with a tennis ball in it's mouth and starts jumping on Levi with it's front legs. 

He pets her head "Good girl"

 

And then I see it. A  _smile._  The infamous Levi Ackerman is actually smiling.

 

"You have a nice smile."

I blurt out and now I want to be nowherenear the park but in my bed under my covers hiding away from the world and especially Levi.

His smile falters but there's still a smirk plastered on his face. "Is that so? That's the first time I've heard someone say that." He looks my way and I'm sure my face is as red as a tomato. 

I suddenly feel very brave "W-well...you do and I'm surprised no one has ever told you that." Seriously where is the bravery coming from? Did I hit my head a little too hard? "...well I'll be going now. See you Levi! I say quickly and hope he doesn't notice my nervousness as I slowly turn away from him prepaired to start running again. 

"You're not so bad yourself, Eren."

Did he really just say that?

I ignore him and my raging heart as I run back home.

 

 


	3. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's POV
> 
> Levi and his friend go to lunch. Not much action in this chapter :P

I sit behind my desk and read today's newspaper as I wait for the bell to ring. When it finally doesI put the newspaper in the drawer without looking up, check the attendance list and call each of the student's names. But when the pen in my hand lands on a familiar name and I don't hear a 'here' I look up at his usual spot and notice that he isn't there. One of the students then says he hasn't seen him today and when I draw a cross beside him name, I try and ignore the disappointment of not hearing his voice. 

After class is over I can finally go home and away from these annoyingly loud students but I once again find myself thinking about the mop of brown hair and green eyes like I've been doing for the past 2 days since the time he crashed into me at the park and I find it extremely dissatisfying. 

 

I try to ignore the negative feeling and drive home in my red Mercedes. I park the car in the garage and when I come into the house my phone starts ringing and I instantly frown at the caller ID but I answer anyway because I know the person will keep calling me until I answer. 

"Leviiiiii I miss youuuu" she says in a loud and cheerful tone much to my distaste. 

"What the fuck do you want Hanji?" I say annoyed because I'm too tired for her right now.

"C'mon Levi don't be so mean to me, I just wanted to know if you'd like to go to lunch with me." she says trying to sound sad at the harshness of my voice but there's a little amusement when she says that.

My stomach growls at the word 'lunch' so after a little thinking I decide that lunch isn't the worst idea at the moment and maybe I won't feel as tired after some food enters my system. It'll also keep me from thinking about a certain green-eyed kid in my class.

"Fine. But you're paying, shitty four eyes"

"Yaaaaay see you at Maria's in 30 minutes, love!"

Before I can protest on the nickname she hangs up. 

 

I quickly take off my clothes and put them in the washing machine to get rid of the stench of perfume and cologne. "Why do these students put on so much of that shit and why always in my class?" I mumble to myself and put on a pair of dark blue jeans, a black shirt and a black jacket. I let Zoe out in the backyard.

I grab my car keys and drive to [Maria's](http://www.tjanstrom.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/italian-restaurant-edmonton.jpg). Maria's is pretty much just a typical italian restaurant like the ones you see in the movies. I enter and see Hanji at a table for 2, the one by the fireplace. She smiles and waves at me when she sees me and when I'm about to sit she takes me into a bone-crushing hug.

"Oi, four eyes, you're embarassing us" I say with a loud whisper. She lets me go and sits.

"But Levi I haven't seen you in so loooong. How have you been, cupcake?" she says playfully.

Just then a waiter comes and we order our food. We don't need the menus because we're basically regulars here. 

"I've been fine. How's work?"

"Oh you know the same as always. It's not really exciting working at a gas station as I thought it was. And the night shift is killing me. I don't know how one of my co-workers manages to do it. He works until 6 a.m. and somehow still manages to go to university. Now that I mention it I think he goes to your university..." 

Hanji's rambling is finally stopped when the waiter brings us our food and we both eagerly dig in.

"Hey Levi, do you know anyone by the name of Eren Yaeger?"

I suddenly choke on my food and start coughing. "What?" I say a little too loudly and some of the coustomers give us a weird look. 

"Woah easy there. I said if you know Eren Yaeger. He goes to your university after all."

"Yeah, he's one of my students. What about him?" I say skeptically.

"Ooooh are you interested?" she says with a knowing look. 

I look at her with narrowed eyes and continue to eat my food.

"Are you close to him?" she suddenly asks.

"No."

"Oh well then I guess he hasn't told you." she says a little dissapointed.

I jerk my head up to look at her. "Told me what?" I say with a raised eyebrow. 

"Ohhh nothing nothing, it's not my place to tell anyway."

It's killing me that she doesn't want to tell me whatever there is to know about Eren because it sounds like something big but I try not to seem too interested in him and don't ask further.

We finish our food, chat about some things and part our ways but as I'm about to turn around and walk to my car she says "And Levi, please look after Eren." and starts walking.

"What's that supposed to mean?" When I don't get any response from her I head home. 18:23. Damn we were long in there.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's Friday and I haven't seen Eren in a week since our meeting at the park. Why hasn't he come to school? I remember our conversation with Hanji. She said something about Eren having the night shift but when does he start? Maybe that's the reason he hasn't shown up to school. I'm tempted to go check and see if he's okay but I suddenly realize that I don't know which gas station Hanji even works at. I've known her for almost all my life and I don't even where she works. Great. And I'm not about to call her just to ask that. 

I sit on the couch and realize that lately all I've been thinking about is the kid. I don't know why but I really want to see him smile and be happy.

And his eyes. His beautiful green eyes.  If only they didn't look so dull and tired all the time. I wonder what's happened to the kid that made him become so empty of life.

I think back on the moment in class the other day when he was having a nightmare. His whimpers sounded so desperate as he clutched to himself, almost as if his life depended on it. My gut told me I should wake him up and when I heard his breath steady I felt relieved. But when he looked at me I almost felt my world shatter. His eyes looked so terrified, his face pale and drained of energy. I wanted to reach out to him, to protect him, to tell him everything's going to be okay but I was too late. He was already standing up from his desk so the least I could do for him was offer him help and when he refused I felt a pang in my heart. Why didn't he want help when it was so obvious he needed it?

When I saw him smiling at the park I felt so much more at ease. But what surprised me was when he said I had a cute smile. No one has ever said that about me. I don't think anyone else besides Hanji has even seen me smile and even when she did she said I looked creepy. I don't know why but I felt really happy and kinda embarassed when he said that.

I decided to dismiss my thoughts and take a long warm shower. It always relaxed me. After that I went to work. I had tests to grade and I wanted to get them out of my way as soon as possible so I could relax during the weekend.

I manage to grade all of the papers and it's 1 a.m. now. My eyes feel tired and I welcome the warmth I feel when I go under the covers. I'm quick to fall into a deep slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today. Sorry, I'm not really good at describing places so I just inserted a picture instead of torturing you with a crappy description >_>


	4. Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's life catches up on him and he finally lets it all out after so many years. But...

_Tired._

I felt so agonizingly tired. 

This week I had the night shift and thought I could manage that and going to university after. But when I came home in the morning on the first day I fell asleep the moment my legs found the couch. Who knew I could fall asleep during the day when at night all I wanted to do was just that? I tried again the next morning and the one after that and then I just gave up on going to school this week.

 

My eyelids feel heavy, my bones ache from exhaustion and all I want to do is sleep but it's Saturday night and I'm lying in my bed fully awake with Titan at my feet. Again. I haven't slept since Thursday and it's been a long time since I've felt this tired. I groan in frustration and decide to go for a walk to the park. I'm glad when I see that no one's there. I find a bench by the fountain, put my earphones in and listen to the radio as I stare at nothing in particular.

My mind brings me to a pair of grey eyes. As I think about our meeting at the park I can't help but think that Levi may not be as bad as he looks. He always has a stern and angry look on him but he offered me help when he saw me in distress so he can't be that bad. And I wasn't lying when I said to him that he had a cute smile I just didn't want to say it out loud. My heart skippes a beat and I bet I blush as I think about his smile. The way his skin under his eyes wrinkled when his lips quircked up and the soft expression just perfected it. He must love that dog. 

 

 

_I'm scared to get close_

_and I hate being alone_

_I long for that feeling_

_to not feel at all._

 

Suddenly a song stirres me out of my thoughts. The more I listen to it the more I seem to relate to the lyrics. 

 

_The higher I get_

_the lower I'll sink._

_I can't drown my demons_

_they know how to swim._  

_Can you hear the silence?_

_Can you hear the dark?_

_Can you fix the broken?_

_Can you feel my heart?_

 

Maybe it's the surreal image of the fountain that's reflected by the moon or the singer's desperate voice, or maybe it's the aching body and my tired mind that make me feel... something. 

 

_Destroyed. Beat down. Defeated._

 

_Sad._

 

I've felt sad before but never  _this_ much.  

What's happening to me?

 

My heart suddenly starts hurting.

My hands start shaking.

My pulse quickens.

My chest tightens.

 

_Tears_

 

I'm crying.

I'm crying?

No, it can't be. 

I can't breathe.

I remove the earphones because I can't listen to the song anymore and put my head in my hand while the other one clutches my throbbing heart. 

I'm heaving by now and my whole body is trembling.

My cheeks are wet.

How have I come this far without shedding a single tear?

 

 

 

"Eren?"

 

Oh no.

 

"Eren is that you?"

I know that voice.  _Levi_

 

I can't stop crying as my tragic life come crushing down on me and fogs my mind.

 

I feel a hand on my shoulder and another one rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"Calm down, Eren. It's okay."

 

'Please stop, I don't need anyone'

 

I can't say it. I can bearely breathe. I can't stop. I just feel so worn out.

_I want to feel empty again._

 

His hands aren't on my back and shoulder anymore. He's kneeling in front of me but he isn't touching me. I can't look at him.

 

"Eren, look at me." 

Soft. His voice is so soft. I like it.

"Eren, please."

 

I can't, Levi. Please leave me alone.

 

"C'mon Eren, I know you can do it. Just look at me, please."

The desperation in his voice makes me look up sligthly so now my eyes are visible but there are still pools of water streaming down my face and I can't calm down my panting.

 

"Hey there"

 

His smile.

The warmest smile I've ever seen in my entire life that. But it's not the same smile as the other day. It's even warmer now, more welcoming. The smile that could bring out a sun on the rainiest of days or make a crying baby laugh again.

 

_Safe._

 

His cold hand reaches for my face and wipes away my tears.

"Calm down, okay? Everything's going to be okay. I'm here for you"

 

I really wanted to hug him right then and there but I didn't want to ruin his shirt with snot and tears. 

After a couple of minutes I finally steady my breath and wipe my face with my sweatshirt, not caring that it's become dirty now.

"Do you wanna go home or do you wanna come to my place? I have chocolate ice-cream if it makes it any better" he says softly. 

I find my voice and with a raspy and quiet voice say "Your place"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I rushing a little bit? Should I slow down or continue the way it is?
> 
> The song in this chapter is Can you feel my heart by Bring me the horizon.


	5. Earl Grey tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren go to Levi's place after Eren's outburst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had this chapter ready yesterday but I DELTED EVERYTHING and I had to re-write THE ENTIRE CHAPTER -.- And since I didn't get any replies if I should slow down the plot or continue the way it is I just went my way. Aaand I'm writing in past tense from now on because I think it's just a better reading experience for you guys idk :P

"Do you want some tea? Or does ice-cream sound better?"

After some thought I went with tea because it was cold outside and a cup of tea didn't sound so bad. "Tea, please"

Levi then ushered me to sit on the couch while he went to the kitchen to prepare it. I entered his [living room](http://metka.us/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/simple-living-room-ideas-with-room-wall-system-design-of-cult-by-thomas-living-designs.jpg) on the left and saw that everything was really well put together. There wasn't a speck of dust on the shelf or table, the pillows were neatly placed on the couch and not a single piece of clothing was to be seen anywhere unlike my place where clothes were scattered all over the floor. I sat on the couch and after a couple of minutes Levi came with 2 cups of tea. He set the cups on the table and joined me on the couch. 

"Are you feeling better?" Concern was evident in his voice when he asked.

I replyed with a little smile "Yeah thanks, Levi."

"No problem, kid." He ruffeled my hair. 

He turned the TV on and didn't say anything. He didn't ask why I was at the park at 1 a.m. He didn't ask why I was crying my heart out. He just sat there and enjoyed his cup of tea and I don't think he knew how much I appreciated that. It's not that I didn't want to tell him I just didn't know how he'd see me after I told him. 

Would he think I'm disgusting for being gay?

Would he think I'm weak for not being able to talk back to my parents and not fight against Jean?

Maybe he'd overlook those flaws and we'd actually be able to still be friends.

 

 _Friends_. I don't know why but I felt a sorrow in my chest as I thought about that word. Did I actually want us to be just friends?

I really hated to admit it but I felt oddly attracted to him, phisycally and mentally. My heart skipped a beat everytime I saw him and I wanted to know more about him. I didn't get nervous around him and he had this relaxing and reassuring vibe even though his face didn't show it. I could easily talk with him and a couple of times he didn't get angry or made me go to detention when I didn't have homework like he did with other students and I really aprreciated that. 

And he had the most gorgeous smile. Oh god his fucking smile. Maybe it was so thrilling to see it because it happened so rarely or maybe because of the way his skin under his eyes wrinkled as the corners of his mouth lifted.

I wanted to be with him but then something told me that I couldn't be, that I mustn't be because it'd be the same as it was with Jean. I barely even knew Levi but he somehow made me feel safe and welcome, something I haven't felt in a long time. I  _craved_ to be needed, to mean something to someone, to be 'the only one for them'.

I hated to admit it to myself but I wanted to feel  _loved._

I escaped my mind and I saw from the corner of my eye that Levi was watching me. I turned to him and smiled, reasuring him that I was okay. _Even though I really wasn't._

"How's the tea? I didn't know if you put sugar or honey in it so I didn't add anything."

"Nah, it's really good actually. What flavour is this?"

"It's Earl Grey tea. My favorite." He sipped some tea left in the cup and closed his eyes, enjoying the smell emitting from the cup. His face was calm and his eyebrows weren't furrowed the way they always were. I haven't seen anyone who enjoyed tea as much as this man did and I couldn't help but chuckle a little. His face immediately went back to 'normal' and he gave me a weird look but still had a playful smile. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing you just seem so calm and happy when you drink tea. It's cute." I didn't feel embarassed about calling him cute anymore. He's already seen me at my worst so why not just embarass myself some more. He looked away but I could see the corners of his mouth twich. 

"Yeah yeah whatever. Drink your tea, brat."

I chuckled again and continued to drink my tea. When I finished I set the cup on the table and continued to watch the TV.

 

 

 

* * *

 

I must've drifted away while I was watching TV because I once again found myself heaving and begging for my life. I was in that shitty apartment again, lying on the wooden and creaking floor, clutching my chest with blood coming out of my nose. I was kicked and beat senslessly while insults were spilling out of his mouth like an alphabet. His cold hands were on my aching shoulders and I couldn't fight anymore so I closed my eyes and accepted my pitiful fate.

I heard someone shouting but it wasn't Jean. I opened my eyes and saw someone above me holding me by the shoulders, shouting my name but I couldn't make out the face of the stranger because it was dark. I started squirming out of the person's hold and they shouted my name again as a light was lit behind me and I could clearly see the unknown man whose eyes looked concerned and worrisome. It was Levi. 

I was lying on the couch, still struggling to breathe properly when Levi's hand caressed the top of my hand. "You're okay now, Eren, I'm here."

I finally calmed down after a minute.

"Good boy." Levi said with a sad smile. 

My chest tightened when I saw him sad. I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him down into a tight hug. "I'm fine, Levi, thank you." My voice was a little raspy and hoarse. I could feel some tears welling up in my eyes but I fought the urge to cry again. I could smell his scent and it calmed me down. Levi pulled out of my grasp and looked at me, grey eyes boring into my soul. I stared back at him, arms still wrapped around his neck. He didn't say anything but he turned his gaze away and his eyes landed on my lips. At that moment I saw a glint of something I myself knew all too well. 

 

_Lust._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well...


End file.
